Transfigurmorphs

What's this? This guy on the review page is reviewing something new and happening and hip and it's all out by opening weekend. This is normally a good thing, but I am in a piss-poor mood, so hold onto your stupid little hat, Michael Bay.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the sequel to the 2007 Transformers movie featuring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and a bunch of robots turning into things. To be straightforward, I loved the first one. I thought the soundtrack was good, the directing was good, the writing was good, the acting was good, and the action was tight. I've had arguments with people as to just how good the first movie is, and I stand by that it is still one of the best movies of 2007. I went to see it several times in theaters and enjoy watching it even now. The second movie is not any of these things. I went to go see it for a friends birthday, and I can honestly say I will almost never watch this again.

Michael Bay directed the first film, and it was really good. So tell me, Mr. Bay, why did you feel it necessary to spin the camera around and around and around and then change direction and make it go around and around to the point that several people in my party nearly got sick? If you were trying to portray chaos in the scenes where the the two new-to-college kids tried to say "I love you" you overshot it as if you were using a goddamn railgun--which I must say, putting that in the movie was pretty much the best thing about it. Plus, the way you shot the giant robot fight sequences was good. Why is it now close-up-shots-of-metal-swinging-around-so-you-can't-tell-what-the-hell-is-going-on until the end where--I get it, it's suspenseful--slow-motion moves are done when they could have been there the whole damn time and made it a whole lot easier to watch.

Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman wrote the first movie, and it was funny, compelling and good. I'm going to guess the addition to the writers, Ehren Kruger suffers from a major brain deformity because the writing was so goddamn bad the only explanation is that they felt sorry for him, and put all his ideas in the script. Hillbilly robots? Are you kidding me? A little sass-mouth Decepticon, a hot girl that's a Decepticon, main characters dying and coming back to life--ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This is all very, very bad of you, sirs.

There isn't a whole lot else to say about the movie. The acting was diminished because of the bad writing. The soundtrack was more or less the same, which isn't abd but it's very lazy--try changing it up a bit. The best line in the film was "He went to find you a tighter shirt." In an action movie. Yeah.

Do not go see this movie unless all you want to see is explosions and you have no taste for actual film. And if you care about me at all, you'll stop Michael Bay from making a third one, which I was told he can't do anyway because he already had a bit where a Decepticon throws an American flag to the ground.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor