Twenty oh-nine.

2009 had a lot going for it, on a personal level. It marked my hopefully last year of college, when I started seriously dating again, and nobody was dying. Plus, I'm a democrat so Obama in the White House and the upcoming Health Reform Bill has me grinning. My year ended up being significantly more crap than I was initially expecting, but it wasn't all that bad all in all.

It has been unfortunate that I haven't read a single book that was written this year. I love reading, but while finishing my degree I've been reading a lot of older books and even in my private reading I find there are books of years past that I somehow missed. This will all be rectified when I get my Kindle (!) but it doesn't excuse that I have barely any books to review.

The state of movies this year is a big disappointment. I hate Harry Potter and Twilight with a fiery passion that only intense apathy can subdue. The new Transformers movie, as evident in my review of it, was Michael Bay's opus to jock-headed douchebags everywhere. I was let down by UP due to all the hype that surrounded it, and I thought The Hangover (again, as can be read here) was something completely different from the rest of the country. I finally saw Star Trek and Inglourious Basterds after Christmas and loved both of them. The movies I enjoyed were the hits such as District 9 and Star Trek, mostly. I never got a chance to see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, and I see that as a failure on my part. The year was a wreck, as most of the movies I saw were crap, and I didn't see all that many anyway. The Official Dark Portal Reviews Best Movie of 2009 is going to have to be Star Trek.

Star Trek worried me. Being a relatively avid Trekkie, I disliked the idea of a sequel/prequel/reboot of a series of television and film that has been among my top serials of all time. Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman brought a good story to please old and new fans, and J.J. Abrams the directing the film needed to catch the eyes of both groups. Chris Pine came out of nowhere with his fantastic rendition of a youthful James Tiberius Kirk without imitating Shatner at all. Zachary Quinto, dispite my dislike for Heroes, has a decent Spock-ean look about him. I'm fairly certain he's the only Vulcan who could say "Live long and prosper" and have it mean "Screw yourself back to the blackhole." Anton Yelchin's Chekov grated my nerves, but Simon Pegg's Scotty made up for it. John Cho as Sulu warmed my heart, and probably did the same to George Takei. Karl Urban mad to have been channeling DeForest Kelley with every inflection he gave. The whole thing made me excited for the new series of films they're putting together for Gene Roddenberry's creation.

There were lots of video games this year--significantly more than the movies I saw. I used to have a reputation at my video game store of trying all the epically bad games to see just how bad they actually were. I did less of that this year, going for games like inFamous, UFC 2009 Undisputed, Brütal Legend, Borderlands, and The Saboteur bringing freshness to the video game scene, there were a slew of sequels kicking up dust like Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, Left 4 Dead 2, and Assassin's Creed II. The year had a lot of games I thought were really lame as well. MadWorld was cool, but was too short and didn't have enough variety. Tekken 6 had so much to love, but the Mortal Kombat Armaggedon running-action gameplay which takes up most of it just isn't what I want to do when I put a Tekken game on. I think my title of Worst Game of All Time was beaten out with Jurassic: The Hunted surpassing the utter garbage that was Timeshift. The Dark Portal Reviews Best Video Game of 2009 is Borderlands.

Borderlands (PlayStation 3/Xbox 360/PC) was under my radar for a long time, and even when I got the game it sat on my table unopened for days. When I finally put it in, I didn't notice how much time had gone by until I had been playing for five hours. The game is literally what Diablo would have been were it a first-person shooter. The graphics are unique and don't push you away. Gearbox knows how to make shooters, being veterans of the first Half-Life spin-off, Opposing Force. The game can last forever, especially when playing on multiplayer, which only grew in fervor much like the Diablo series. With two DLC packs already, the game is still growing in value as to how much fun you can actually have with your game systems. It's super-challenging at times, and brutally easy the next, but the game is never hard enough to stop playing. The game carries its paper-thin story on graphics, gameplay, and humor that won't quit.

I didn't follow a lot of TV, as I usually wait for things to come out on DVD. The shows I did follow were Burn Notice, House, Doctor Who, Dexter, and Weeds. The shows I've been watching have been enjoyable, with not much bad to say about them. Weeds keeps finding more shit for the Botwins to find themselves in. Burn Notice was only on its sophomore season, and it didn't disappoint. Doctor Who has unfortunately been in short supply, but what did air were some gems of the show. Dexter was amazing with the Trinity story and the finale ended on a very emotional way. Dark Portal Reviews declares the best television series of 2009 is House. Even though it's not completely over, the premier of season six was possibly the single best episode of House I have ever seen and the progression of every character of the show into something different and new.

2009 was an eh year for music. Even with great releases from Weezer and Five Finger Death Punch, Killswitch Engage put out their most disappointing album to date. Lots of other bands I have historically followed had releases, and I'm only noticing that as I go back and look over a list of the year's musical releases on Wikipedia. Such is the cost of not being on the radio anymore. The Dark Portal Reviews Best Album of 2009 is--hands down--Raditude by Weezer.

Now that we've made it ten years into this new millennium, I think it's safe to say we're pretty much all screwed.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

The game ends with credits

I got a Nintendo DS Lite. This is surprising, even for me, considering the last handheld video game system I owned was a Pikachu edition GameBoy Color that I still use when I am crazy bored. But now I have a DS, and now a whole slew of games I never had access to has opened itself to me.

The World Ends with You (2008) is an action role-playing game from RPG gurus, Square Enix. Square Enix as a company gets more fans jerking off at their games than Atlus, and as a GameStop employee I can tell how mind-boggling that is. As a rule, I am always hesitant to play a JRPG if only because I don't have the goddamn time to sit through them, anime graphics annoy the every-loving crap out of me, and after living with transgendered people in college I no longer enjoy making them hit monsters with giant swords. Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy X, EarthBound, and Super Mario RPG will always be fantastic games that I can always go back and play but the newer incarnations--even the Persona series which has amazing gameplay by chibi graphics that make me want to rip my eyes out--can rarely catch my attention. I picked up this shiny little title because, as I remember working the games release, it seemed different and somewhat cooler than the crappy console RPGs like Infinite Undiscovery that were out at the time. The World Ends with You ended up on my short list of games to try for the DS.

The game takes place in an alternate version Shibuya district of Tokyo that brings you, Neku Sakuraba, into a game designed to erase faces. You go through different games, because each time the designers of this game are dicking you over. I can't give a whole lot more away without ruining the whole thing, but that's the fun of role-playing games.

The story aside, the gameplay is kind of a lot of fun. You drag your character from one long dialogue-heavy cut scene to the next, but the part that's fun is the battle system. You are forced to fight the same battle on the top and bottom screens, using various touch commands on the touch screen and pounding the D-pad for the top. As you progress through the game, you collect pins and have to pay attention to what brand of clothing will get you better or worse stats in different neighborhoods but I didn't buy the strategy guide so I pretty much just ignored it. The pins are what give you the different attacks, and you can sort them in ways that make the most sense, battle-wise. The Tin Pin Slam mini-game is a colossal pain in my ass, but that's my opinion of most mini-games.

As being among the first DS games to really grab my attention, I am enjoying it thoroughly. I had originally thought the DS would be a goof to me, something I pulled out when I was bored at lunch or waiting around for something trivial. I find myself reaching for it when I have a PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and Nintendo Wii within my grasp. The role-playing games for the DS--The World Ends with You in particular--bring a lot to the little handheld. I do still love throwing in Little Red Riding Hood's Zombie BBQ to kill a few minutes, though. My next venture should be to procure a PSP, I believe.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Rad rats dude

My pick for best album of 2008 was a hard one, coming down between Weezer's Red Album and Amanda Palmer's debut solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer. The latter ended up with the claim of the year, but Weezer is still just so good. I seemed to forget that, because this year's release didn't really interest me until I forced myself to listen to it.

Raditude by Weezer (2009) is the follow-up to The Red Album and, while not as good, delivers everything Weezer always has brought to the musical scene. Weezer is weird for me and many friends like me that they are nothing that would fall into our favorite music genres but they somehow make it onto our list of favorites anyhow. In fact, someone I work with claimed to not like them at all only to get picked up by the first single off this latest album on the ride home and has come to love them. I seem to be saying this a lot, as I think I've made it close enough to the end to make assumptions, but this may be the best album of the year.

To give blanket statements, the writing on the record is up to River Cuomo's standard of writing with very few exceptions which I feel are present on every Weezer album, the guitar work isn't as memorable as Hash Pipe days but it gets the job done, and the album is really a joy to listen to. Songs like (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To, I'm Your Daddy, Trippin' Down the Freeway, and Let It All Hang Out are great songs, written with Weezer's typical wit and charm. After seven albums, they still manage to experiment with songs like Can't Stop Partying (a bass-ridden party beat featuring Lil Wayne) and Love is the Answer (a song laced with Hindi language and vocals), which are really well done for such a bold attempt. Put Me Back Together and I Don't Want to Let You Go are perfectly listenable, but don't necessarily bring anything special to the album. The two songs I skip over are The Girl Got Hot and Patrick Wilson's In the Mall. The writing on both the songs are just subpar for what Weezer is capable of.

The deluxe edition that I bought has four bonus tracks which I feel are good enough to have been on the album proper. Get Me Some is almost a hard rock party song, where Run Over By A Truck is like classic Weezer. The Prettiest Girl In The Whole Wide World reminds me a lot of The Greatest Man That Ever Lived from the Red Album and I really appreciate the lyrical work put into it. The Underdogs is really just a fantastic ending for the album, giving the whole experience an over-all feel.

What really sucks is the reason I started listening to the album is because I had gotten Weezer tickets for my girlfriend, the show being last night, and Rivers Cuomo's bus spun out on black ice and ended with his family needing to be dug out of the car using the jaws of life. Rivers has broken ribs, but the rest of the Cuomo's are thankfully unharmed. My best wishes to the Cuomo family, but I hate winter disappears and never comes back. If they reschedule, I will be among the first to get replacement tickets.

Expect some end of the year lists coming out over the next few Saturdays.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

The Big Reviewski

Way back in the nineties there was this movie I wanna tell ya about. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But then again, maybe that's why I found it so darned interestin'. 'Course I ain't never been to London, and I ain't never seen France. And I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what--after seeing this movie, and writing this here review I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd seen in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. Now this here review I'm about to unfold is about a movie took place in the early '90s--just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there's a movie...I won't say a classic, 'cause, what's a classic? Sometimes, there's a movie. Sometimes, there's a movie, well, it's the movie for its time and place. It fits right in there. And even if it's a crazy movie--and it was most certainly that. Quite possibly the craziest in all of nineties comedies, which would place it high in the runnin' for craziest of all time. Sometimes there's a movie, sometimes, there's a movie. Well, I lost my train of thought here. But...aw, hell. I've done introduced it enough.

The Big Lebowski (1998) is the movie for the nineties, but you should seriously have realized that by now. Even being the film buff I am now, there are some classic movies that I have simply not had the opportunity to see. The Big Lebowski formerly among them, this list also includes Citizen Kane, all the Godfather movies, any of the Rocky movies, or any of the Nightmare on Elm Street films being doubly surprising to my love for horror. I simply never had to opportunity to see any of these films and only kind of passively desire to do so. Someday, when I own every DVD I want this will all be solved. Some films that will be on that list include all of Sam Raimi's horror films, and everything the Coen brothers have done.

The Big Lebowski is a film by the Coen brothers based on someone they actually encountered. Although the events in the movie are all based on "What if this happened to our friend?" and then wrote out the scenario, it is still boggling to wrap my head around that. The film is narrated through Sam Elliott drawl. It stars the likes of Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, and Steve Buscemi. Written and directed by Ethan and Joel Coen, they employed Carter Burwell (score for In Bruges and Where the Wild Things Are to his credit) for the music. The team behind this film is pretty genius, and the movie shapes up to live up to it.

The movie, if you haven't seen it, is about the Dude who shares a name with a rich-as-hell gentleman with no legs. This leads to a mix up that ends with the Duder's rug being peed on. This leads to a screwball comedy the likes of Dude, Where's My Car or The Hangover, but pulls it off better than both--perhaps because it was here first. The character Jeff Bridges portrays as the Dude is brilliant, being a stoner with a love for White Russians, Creedence Clearwater Revival, and bowling but is still smart enough to unravel this retardedly complex scheme that pretty much ends with him being screwed over and then comes out on top of it with the help of his psychotic friends.

The writing needed in order to achieve that in a something you need or your movie is going to fail, and has to have an ending worth all of it. The Coen brothers did everything they could with the story, with directing to match the sky-high spirit of the film. T-Bone Burnett, the person responsible for the songs chosen for the soundtrack of the film, made the perfect movie choices; they went perfectly with the Coen's directing and matched the mood and you know what--I hate the Eagles too.

The Big Lebowski is a movie that you should see if you haven't already. Sure, you may think The Hangover was better and that's okay--you have the right to think that. It just doesn't make you any more wrong, if only because the Dude actually exists somewhere. The Coen brother's use their powers of writing and directing to make a purely enjoyable movie, and this movie is probably their best comedy. To those offended, I pledge to see The Godfather soon. I will probably not review it.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Paging The Doctor to the Red Planet

Seven long months have gone by since I have seen a new Doctor Who episode. This is unacceptable. Finally the new episode comes, and I know nothing about it. I avoid Doctor Who spoilers like the plague, because I want to feel the excitement of watching the story unfold without any expectations or knowledge of where the story is going, save for what they show in the "Next time..." trailers at the end of the episodes. I waited and waited, as did others, but I believe I may be the first among my group of friends to see what has been the third episode of Doctor Who since Christmas of 2008.

The Waters of Mars brought a lot to the table for The Doctor as a character, and the writers of the program. It being the first thing Russell T Davies has done since the Torchwood miniseries over the summer, which showed a lot of talent in its own right. I was looking forward to something tense and gripping just like Children of Earth was. The Waters of Mars delivered what I wanted from it--mostly.

The story goes as The Doctor lands on Mars, he comes to arrive at the knowledge that he landed on a very important date--like Volcano Day. He's forced to walk away, in one of the best directed Doctor Who scenes I have ever seen by the way of Graeme Harper, the longest serving member of the Doctor Who crew, having started directing for the series in 1963. He is overcome by a wave of what can only be called arrogance, and becomes a Doctor I'm not quite comfortable with, at least not as played by David Tennant. The episode ends and the Time Lord has returned to his original philosophy, but he goes through a amazing build to this point of view that really doesn't feel right to the character at all. Usually, when the series does something that doesn't quite make sense it all comes together in an amazing crescendo at the end, which I am definitely looking forward to.

The directing, as already said, is some of the best I have seen of any of the series. Russell T. Davies' writing also lived up to my expectations. The story was well-done, especially bringing up what's happened in previous specials, the growth of the character, and leading into David Tennant's last episodes as The Doctor with fervor. It may have been one of Tennant's best performances in the series, and the ensemble of Lindsay Duncan and company matches the best of any of his companions, especially with the part of Adelaide Brooke.

Luckily, the next two episodes are airing within a month and a half. Doctor Who is an amazing accomplishment in television, and the new series continues to live up to its traditions. The special episodes, tracking The Doctor's final journey's without companions are still lacking in the way that they are not a proper season, only airing five stories with anywhere from one to seven months between them. Once the specials are done, I'll stop reviewing each Doctor Who episode.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

CoD fOr ToO

Where EA used to be the company that would only publish the same crap every year and screw the consumer and comedy outlets out of fun and money, Activision has very clearly taken its place while Electronic Arts continues to lighten up and come out with some really good games and deals. I really dislike giving Activision money by buying their games and have literally waited to buy them used just to avoid giving CEO Robert Kotick another dime. Kotick, if you didn't know, tried to get EA to not publish Brütal Legend by suing, claiming that they still had rights to it--which Activision obviously did not. Kotick said, when asked about the high prices of bundles such as Guitar Hero, DJ Hero, and Tony Hawk: Ride, "If it were up to me, I'd raise the prices even further." He has openly said that his mission is to take the fun out of video games. I just have a problem supporting another asshole, despite the quality of the product. However, I made an exception for this game.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3) is just about the biggest game release ever. Going back to Infinity Ward, the original makers of Call of Duty, the series has been made by another company called Treyarch who made Call of Duty 3 and Call of Duty: World At War. Their games are nowhere near as good as Infinity Ward's, but Activision loves making money on people who don't know any better. CoD4:2 had an obvious amount of hype surrounding it, which was realistically all deserved.

The single-player campaign is as short as you have heard: about six hours on normal difficulty. This is not a bad thing. It has some epically intense moments, including the ridiculously stressful and awesome crescendo of the game. The landmarks of the game do include some pretty grotesque scenes, including the "terrorist level" that you have to kill an airport full of civilians, but those traumatized by certain events do have the option of skipping out of them. The story of Infinity Ward's games have always been spectacular, but I feel like they pushed it a bit far in this one. It was just on the other side of realistic, where there stories have always had to do with World War II history in the past or with Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare it was a super-realistic look at the world's battle against terrorism. Modern Warfare 2 has set-pieces that make your jaw drop to the floor, but when everything comes together it seems less genuine than some of their other storylines. The campaign mode, still, has a lot of replay value--especially on the higher difficulties.

Infinity Ward's answer to Activision putting zombie levels in Saint's Row 2 and Call of Duty: World at War was the new Special Ops mode, which is twenty-three co-op or single-player missions using set-pieces from the Modern Warfare games. Each mission has a possibility of three-star ranks, depending on the difficulty level or how well you do in the mission. Unlocking stars unlocks new Special Ops missions and it's like that. It's actually a very fun mode to just poke around with, and the story is just as simple as "Complete objective" which is usually "Kill people and run your stupid ass to the end."

The multiplayer is new and improved, but I unfortunately have very little to say about it. I don't play a lot of multiplayer, but from those that I've heard from it's amazing Xbox Live didn't crash after all the people swarming online to play it. The killstreaks are easier and they've added a new deathstreak feature, where you can get perks from dying a certain number of times so you can recover from utter defeat if you know how. Most people bought the game for this function, but if you did then you already know that Call of Duty multiplayer has always been some of the best and you already know that you'll like it.

The soundtrack was done by Hans Zimmer. For those who are unfamiliar: Pirates of the Caribbean, The Dark Knight, The Last Samurai, Gladiator, do I need to go on? Saying this soundtrack is epic doesn't do it justice. The score forces you to play the game--it drives you through the blood-spattered screen. It is among the most impressive music in an action game and I really can't stress that enough.

Despite Activision's constant douchebaggery, the game is worth every penny. Between single-player story that blows the mind, Special Op co-op missions, and multiplayer, this game is good for every gaming mood you happen to be in--unless you want something less shooty and something more stabby or role-playing-y. As was a possibility, this may have beaten Brütal Legend as far as my game of the year goes. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 builds on the perfection that Infinity Ward made with first-person shooters with the first Modern Warfare. The game is win. Don't let it get away.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Hithchiker's Guide to the Apocalypse

The new update schedule is going to go something like this: music reviews will be posted on Tuesdays; video game reviews will be posted on Wednesdays; movie reviews will be posted on Fridays; and UFC, concerts, live events, other random things I just want to review will be posted on Saturday. Reviews will be posted at noon on each of the days. They will not be posted every day or every week, but it is a loose schedule of each type of review. This just saves the worry of me getting clogged up with work and there not being any posts for two months like last time.

For veteran readers, it is already known that I am an enjoyer of horror movies. What you may not know because I don't remember if I mentioned it is that I particularly enjoy zombie-themed horror. Oddly enough, however, I prefer Silent Hill to Resident Evil and I hated the second and third movies. This zombie movie may be one of the better movies I've seen produced in 2009, but that may be because everything else I've seen besides District 9 has been complete garbage. This, like Brütal Legend for video games, may be my movie of the year.

Zombieland (2009) is the highest grossing zombie film in history. Hot damn. It has Woody Harrelson, who is pure badass; it has a Jesse Eisenberg who's trying to be an age-appropriate Michael Cera; Abigail Breslin, who was cuter than hell in Little Miss Sunshine, is a little badass herself; and then someone named Emma Stone whose work I'm not altogether familiar with. It's written by a guy who did stuff for Spike TV and then comedies for MTV. It was directed by a guy who has literally done nothing before hand. It could have been a disaster, or it could be the highest grossing zombie film in history.

This film has the ultimate winning combination of dry humor, over-the-top humor, sage-like advice, depressing moments, pure badass, and naive cuteness along with the writing of someone who apparently know how all of these get put together and a director who knows how to make it look absolutely amazing on screen. The shaky-cam directing really works for Zombieland, and the writing explains the epic zombie incursion by way of sketchy hamburger. Realistic? Maybe. I know a guy who went blind from eating a bad burger--no joke. Funny? Pretty much, yeah. Innocuous dangers are always amusing. Scary? You bet your ass. I like hamburgers. This is about as close as you're going to get for a Left 4 Dead movie you're ever going to get.

Acting, again, is perfect for every mood of the film. The cast, plus the unbelievable cameos, all rock the hell out of this movie. Even after the film, Woody Harrelson attacked a guy in an airport saying he was still in character and thought it was a zombie. Or he was just high. He likes hanging out on the cover of High Times, or so I hear. Badass. Or stoned. Whatever. Mr. BM (not spoiling a cameo, not matter what) does what he does best and amazes the hell out of comedy-watching audiences. Jesse Eisenberg really is a poor man's Michael Cera, but he does a good job with it. Abigail Breslin rocks the part of angry twelve-year-old with a gun, but I found the acting of Emma Stone as her "sister" is a little weak--but not weak enough to draw away from the qualities of this movie.

The movie could have been a summer blockbuster, but the reasons for the October release is obvious, what with Halloween and all. Absolutely worth seeing in theaters, buying it on Blu-ray, and seeing the musical if they ever make one. Unless something dethrones it, I foresee this as my movie of the year. After seeing this movie, you will learn who you gonna call.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

When Mars Attacks

My job as a keyholder at a video game store has certain perks. Any game that we get used I'm allowed to try to for free for a few days, I'm pretty much the first in line at midnight releases, and I have access to demos and betas that we get for pre-orders. One such that was for a game that I, admittedly, had no real interest in but had to try to the demo for the sheer fact that it's so sought after.

God of War III E3 Demo (PlayStation 3) is something that you think someone like me should be interested in, but I found the first two kind of lacking in staying power. As impressive as they were, I found them pretty short and had too many frustrating puzzles like the goddamn fire one in God of War II which cut down on my desire to play through them again. But I got the demo, and I figured it was worth a play.

The demo is as sick as you think it would be. The graphics are fantastic--real lighting and fire graphics out of the Blades of Chaos, so you can actually light up a dark hallway with them. The gore is just as over-the-top as always, and does not disappoint for a second. The only spoiler I will mention: you eviscerate a centaur. There appears to be a new gameplay mechanic involved with jumping from stabbed harpy to other stabbed harpy which handles kind of crappy and is a pain and another where finding secrets via the rumble of a Dualshock becomes necessary and I'm not sure how into that I am for a God of War game. It ends on an epic note, somehow perfect for the series and yet lame at the same time.

You can get the demo a number of ways: work for Sony, pre-order from Amazon.com, Game Crazy, or GameStop, buy the God of War Collection which is coming out for the PS3 in a week, or buy District 9 on Blu-ray in December. I would suggest both of those ways as that movie is gonna look crazy on Blu-ray and even I believe I'm going to invest in the collection, especially if the graphics are updated to the point God of War III is shaping up to look, because it looks fantastic. I love reasons to play my PlayStation 3, of which I do not nearly have enough of.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Horn-abüse

When there's an update on a Wednesday, it's going to be about a video game. That's the first rule of this new release format I just invented for the rebirth of the review blog.

I could not have cared less about this game during its production, despite being fans of the company that makes the game, the person who wrote the game, the person who voiced the lead character, and the subject matter. After realizing all of this and playing the demo, I kind of lost it and went nuts for this game.

Brütal Legend (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3) is the first game Tim Schafer has made in four years. Tim Schafer, other than being the founder of Double Fine Productions which has only released Psychonauts before Brütal Legend, is a former writer for LucasArts where he wrote the Monkey Island series, Day of the Tentacle, Full Throttle, and Grim Fandango. Well, damn. With a list of games to your credit like that, why not buy anything he even looks at? Because he only releases two or three games a decade, it seems. Brütal Legend, his pièce de résistance, features Jack Black, tons of heavy metal, Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Halford, Lita Ford, Lemmy Kilmister, and did I mention the metal?

The story of the game is thus: the roadie to end all roadies works for this really awful band with the guy who did Invader Zim's voice on guitar, gets killed on stage and bleeds into his belt buckle which proceeds to come to life, kill the band, and Eddie Riggs (the previously mentioned roadie) wakes up in a church where there are monks trying to kill him with swords. Then the gameplay starts, but not without already instilling a great sense of humor. You are in a world of myth and metal, and must defeat the local wildlife and hemophiliacs. There are demons who work for a guy named Doviculus, and then there are glam/hair metal guys with a heavy metal Stewie Griffin character named Lionwhyte, and then a bunch of goth kids, and then back to the demon guys. The thought of returning you, Eddie, back to your world is dashed with a single "Pbbbbt" about twenty minutes into the game. The rest is too good to give away.

The gameplay is a cross between God of War, Fable II, and Grand Theft Auto III. It's hacky slashy fun, with different abilities (ie axe, guitar) mapped to different buttons that works pretty well, and you fly around at high speeds and crash into things with little to no damage to your car, only this time there's something other than Chatterbox to listen to. This time there's tons and tons of metal. About half-way through the game, you're introduced to a new battle mode--the Stage Battle. The first time you play it, it's pretty cool and fairly innovative. The second time you think, "Alright, I totally got this." By the third, fourth, fifth ones--the ones that dominate the last third or so of the game--it starts getting tiresome, old, and is reminiscent to real-time strategy games that I haven't been able to get into since Age of Empires II. This Stage Battle mode is also the only multiplayer mode. This is a giant looming black mark over the game, but is playable regardless. The "extra stuff" of the game is all the collection, hide and seek side quests, and find-the-hidden-item crap that is common in sandbox games, but Brütal Legend does it in a less offensive way by making them fairly easy to find and adding actual fun gameplay for reward for finding them. They mostly consist of unleash the metal dragons and kill the metal creatures.

For someone like myself, who can remember when he heard his first Ozzy Osbourne song and remembers the swell of metal within his chest, this game is an absolute must play. Brütal Legend is a legitimate contender for game of the year, as far as I'm concerned. The only things that can realistically change that is Borderlands, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and possibly The Sabateur, but to be honest, none of them have the appeal they once did to me, save for CoD4:2. If you're into action adventure games, Tim Schafer, or metal at all, you are a fool to not buy and play this game to completion. It's a comedy/metal adventure that you'll never forget.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Halloween Return

In accordance to me having not posted anything in two months, I intend on returning with a more steady flow of aspiration as to not burn out. Perhaps ever week or two. I'll figure it out as I go along. Anyway...

I have a bunch of mini-reviews to gain fervor for my return, as I have done a great many things that I would like to review in the future, but figured snippits of some less noteworthy things still deserved merit.

The Time Traveler's Wife was a chick flick my girlfriend brought me to see as payment for bringing her to see District 9--which I am not reviewing because everyone and their dog has seen it and knows it's pretty much balls tight--and that I was vaguely interested in and I'm a naive Doctor Who fan who drools at the thought of time traveling. The acting was pretty good, but the writing was all off and while the directing had some decent shots, most of it was lackluster. If you want to see basically that same story but done way better, see the "Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead" story from season four of Doctor Who. The only thing they missed was having Ron Livingston in it. On a personal level, I have a new girlfriend.

Dexter seasons 1-3 had been on my list of things to finish, and having seen all three seasons I believe each one was better than the last. The writing, directing, and acting are always spot on in the show and Michael C. Hall couldn't be a better fit to Dexter Morgan. The story grows with each season, and the character of Dexter follows real development. It's obvious at times that the series is based on novels with quirks in the writing or the presentation of something, but not too much and not too often. I can't wait to start watching season four.

Weeds seasons 1-5 was equally good as Dexter, but for slightly different reasons. The writing was, like Dexter, very well done. I prefer Brian Dannelly as a director, and the cast is stronger overall. Mary Louis-Parker and Hunter Parish were both amazing in Angels In America, and their performances in Weeds do not disappoint. Kevin Nealon is a favorite for his pure comedic value in the show. The progression as the show is the driving force of the plot, as opposed to Dexter's character-drive one. On my top three shows to follow.

No Hero by Warren Ellis is a comic book my ex-girlfriend got me into before we had started dating. Written by the same guy who wrote Crooked Little Vein, the comic is about a world where a league of super-heroes actually exists. They're not like Marvel or DC heroes, but rather in the 70s, there was a drugged formed that pretty much makes you trip out so bad it gives you super powers. Everyone gets different powers, but they are all strengthened to the point of immortality. The issue is, someone's found a way to kill them and they're throwing a fit. The art in it is really interesting, and the writing is very cool. The ending seemed like a giant disappointment to me, so I'm not sure how I can recommend the eight-issue comic, seeming as how it all builds to...blah. Just blah.

Other quick words:

Mass Effect DLC - Pinnacle Station (Xbox 360) is kind of dumb.

Left 4 Dead 2 Demo (Xbox 360) looks cooler than expected, but you're still paying full price on the exact same game.

BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3) is a competent 2D fighter from the makers of Guilty Gear with a tricky control set-up. Worth it if you like 2D fighters.

Rock Band: The Beatles (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3/Wii) is a Rock Band game with lots of The Beatles, and yet somehow not enough. If you know you'll like it, it's worth it.

Dead Rising (Xbox 360) is a zombie sandbox I replayed and got the true ending for the first time. The story is laughable, but the game is still fun as hell.

Later on, according to a new schedule I will eventually make, there will be longer words on these, in no particular order:

Brütal Legend (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3)
Borderlands (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3)
The Darkness (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3)
Earthbound (Super Nintendo Entertainment System)
The Conduit (Wii)
The Big Lebowski (1998)
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)

..among other things.

It's good to be back.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Word to your Mothership

So again Fallout 3 has supposedly come out with its last piece of downloadable content and again I have come to finish it in a day and subsequently review it. Let's not waste any time.

Mothership Zeta is the fifth DLC released for the Xbox 360 and will eventually be released on the PlayStation 3. Among the shortest contents released, the story of it is that you're released by hobby-horse-building aliens and must escape. Complete with finding and rescuing cryogenically frozen samurai, cowboys, astronauts, and Alaskan soldiers; exploding alien generators, and an outerspace dogfight. It was obviously pretty sick. My biggest complaint is that the Mothership Zeta is, at times, goddamn impossible to navigate the hallways. Some items are impossible to pick up except at a certain time when you're not even looking for it unless you checked the Fallout wiki before hand. Other than that, the add-on is short and sweet.

Being the shortest DLC with only about three hours of gameplay, it could be argued it's not worth the 800 Microsoft Points (ten dollars) but those people arguing that obviously don't know what they're talking about. What it may be worth to do is waiting until October when Fallout 3: Game of the Year Edition comes out with all the DLCs with it. I have spent a total of $110 on everything, where if I waited till October it would have been $60. Despite what everyone may think, it was totally worth it. For those who haven't picked it up, the GOTY is going to be a must-buy. Time to tell those mommies and daddies what you want for Christmas.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

The Pledge to Never Drink Again

I know everyone's expecting my first/second day review on Fallout 3's latest expansion, Mothership Zeta, but I haven't been home and I don't have my Xbox. So wait two more days. What people are getting to get is a review on a movie that everyone has either seen or made their opinion of by now. I really wanted to see it if only for the reasons as it has an interesting premise, it was attention grabbing, and I liked one of the actors in it.

The Hangover (2009) came out this past June and became an instant hit and was being hailed as the summer comedy of 2009. It holds such distinctions of being the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever, breaking the record held by Beverly Hills Cop for nearly twenty-five years. It had Mike Tyson in it. You have heard of this movie if you have not seen this movie if you have not seen this movie multiple times. It was a huge success. I am talking to myself in this review. But no matter--here is what I thought about it, starting with a basic assessment, per my three reasons for wanting to see it: it looked interesting, attention-grabbing, and it had a good actor in it.

Was The Hangover interesting? No. Not, it was not. The "We got drunk and forgot about everything we did; lets try to piece it all together" premise has been declared legally dead and, you sirs, have just committed a gross act of necrophilia. What you did was make it look interesting. Very good job of making the trailers look as such. It got you tons of money. But the movie itself was not all that interesting. But...

Was The Hangover attention-grabbing? Hell yes. Absoument. The unbelievable chaos that is created in the lives of the four friends in the movie is way more than a car wreck--wanting to look away while being unable. My girlfriend mused that it was like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with the scary stuff removed and being replaced with funny stuff; then it became 21. My feelings is that they read the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Las Vegas Edition and made a movie about it. Either way, it grabs you by your metaphorical testicles and forces you to endure it in its entirety.

For who I wanted to see in the movie, I was referring to Zach Galifinakis. I've been a fan of him since I was in high school and saw his Comedy Central thirty-minute special, and even when Eliza Dushku was talking to dead people (see Tru Calling). I was excited to see him get some decent work--especially such work that grosses ten times its budget. But was he in the right role? No, I don't think he was. The character of Alan was funny, and his style is even kind of matched with Galifinakis, but Galifinakis' style as to always be smart with an odd quirk or dozen, but all around an intelligent human being who occassionally does or says a dimwitted or awkward thing. His role of Alan matched the second part but lacked all the intelligence, saving for the part where he counts cards in black jack. It was the polar opposite of Zach, where he is smart most of the time and quirky less. He did what he could with the role, I guess.

The writing of Jon Lucas, Scott Moore, Todd Phillips, and Jeremy Garelick coupled with Phillips' directing made for a really good show. My problem is that I don't think I was set up properly for it. The movie was horrifying. I wanted to laugh, not be frightened. The things you see happening or about to happen, or narrowly missed is goddamn awful. They're already planning a sequel and I'm terrified to see what happens next time. All the claims that it's the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever is a misnomer--this movie is up there with Funny Games in terms of horror in the way of is if these things were actually happening to you, you would be scared out of your skull. If only for the creepy Asian dude.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Burseraceae

As much as I like British television, the BBC doesn't appear to like me. Their exporting of television borders on the completely unreasonable. I watched Being Human and was all about to write a review on the pilot, but it turned out to not be the actual pilot, and the whole first season had already been aired in England. The Doctor Who Easter special just recently aired here in the states, even. But for once--one shining moment--we were allowed to see some British programing in the same month as the Brits.

Torchwood: Children of Earth (2009) is the third season of the Doctor Who anagramtastic spin-off, Torchwood. The show did something similar to Doctor Who while only having five episodes, but where The Doctor is technically still clinging to its season four title, jumble up the letters a bit and Torchwood is had a five-part mini-series for its entire third season and all the episodes were broadcasted on consecutive nights. The show is different from Doctor Who such that it is much darker with lots of death, brutality, cursing, sex, and homosexuality. After spinning off after Doct Who's second season, the show has tied into the show relatively closely, using occasional mentioning of The Doctor, and even has Martha Jones as a guest in several episodes in season two. The prior two seasons were good enough to be associated with its former show, and the third season--even at half the length of a normal season and only one continuous story--was looking pretty goddamn good.

The story of Children of Earth is that all the children in the world stop moving and speaking in unison, heralding the arrival of visitors from outer space. The remaining members of Torchwood, Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman), Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles), and Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd) begin to investigate the occurrence when The Hub--their base of operations--blows up at the hands of the British government. Oh, yeah, and the bomb was inside Jack Harkness. The story continues through the next four episodes with driving action and story, and I really don't want to spoil anything, but it is absolutely worth watching.

The writing of Russell T. Davies is even better than a lot of his work with Doctor Who, and Eyros Lyn's directing is just as good as his best Who work. The acting was everything you'd come to expect from Torchwood, especially on the part of the children. One of my biggest peeves is that children actors can ruin segments of a show, such as some scenes of another favorite of mine: Weeds. But the kids in Children of Earth did really well; they were believable in the way that they were being possessed one minute and joking about it and not seeing the seriousness of all of it the next. The acting of Barrowman, Myles, and David-Lloyd rocked. Some of the parts were very emotional and the characters experienced great loss and sacrifice--and everyone pulled it off sublimely. Bringing Torchwood from Cardiff to London was a change from the series, but the mini-series was a great way in which to do that.

Davies has said that season four is ready to go so long as BBC signs off on it, and they would be feels not to. The show has a lot of life left in it, as does its predecessor, Doctor Who. Series in this canon have proven they can withstand massive cast changes, and Torchwood is ready.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Co-headline

It's kind of clear that I review most of the same stuff over and over. Video games, movies, television, with an occasional review of a book or a restaurant. I try to be eclectic in my reviews, not always jerking off in the name of self-indulgence and actually talk about "new" and "interesting" things that people other than myself care about. With that in mind, I decided to write a review on two music albums that I find myself interested enough in to listen to that have been released in the last month.

Killswitch Engage II by Killswitch Engage (2009) is the second self-titled album by New England metalcore act, Killswitch Engage. To start, I need to bring up my personal biases by stating that I love Killswitch Engage. I've seen them live several times, hung out with Howard Jones (the singer of the group) worked many shows for them back when I worked for Roadrunner Records, and even have a line from one of their songs tattooed on my leg. So yeah; it's safe to say I'm a fan. Looking back, their first studio album, Alive or Just Breathing, and The End of Heartache were some of my favorite albums in high school, and As Daylight Dies rocked--but perhaps not as hard as the other two did.

Killswitch Engage II continued the unfortunate downfall set up for the music set up by 2006's release. From listening to the album for the better part of a month, it is very unimpressive. The writing and guitar work present in all their other work is severely understated, and the songs get downright repetitive. There are a few songs on the album that kick it up to something on par to what they usually do, but the songs are incredibly short. Some of the tracks on the new album are barely two and a half minutes long, which don't work with the slower pace of the songs present in this album. There are about two songs that stick in my head as being good, both of them very near the end of the album, and this is after trying very hard to find something about this album I liked.

Tri-Polar by the Sick Puppies (2009) is the Australian rock band's second major studio release, and again I love all that I had heard before from them. Dressed Up As Life was one of my favorite albums of 2007. So imagine my disappointment when another album from another band that I consider myself a fan of releases another (relatively) crap album two weeks after my favorite metalcore act.

This album does have a few more songs saving it from being all-around crap, but the first half of the album is near unlistenable if you're looking for the clever writing of their prior album. The vocals for the first half ot the album is also disagreeable--just shouting. Not screaming a la Killswitch Engage or Bleeding Through, and not the singing from the first album. It was just plain non-melodic shouting and that's not fun to listen to. The second half of the album is saved, and is more like the Sick Puppies of old. It's saved, but barely.

Both of these albums are good in their own rights. The problem I have is that neither of them meet up to the potential the bands have working for them, and it's clear in the music. This is why I rarely buy CDs anymore.

In news of upcoming reviews, it depends on how far I get in certain games, what movies or television I have time to watch, or books I spend time reading. I've been told my retro reviews are fun, so expect a review on one of my favorite video game series at some point, as well as some classic games I haven't played until recently. Pseudo-obscure movies are going to be big as always, and reviews of British mini-series and television pilots.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Preyers

Most everyone has that game that is "the reason" they bought a next-generation console. Some people got it launch for no reason, sure, but the rest of us needed a reason to cash-in on our PS2s for the Xbox 360. For me, it was two games: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and a crazy first-person shooter that my tattoo artist introduced me to in my first hands-on experience with a 360.

Prey (2006) was a game that was supposed to be released around the same time as Duke Nukem Forever, but OH SNAP Prey ended up coming out after all. Belonging to the vaporware headliners, 3D Realms, the game was in production since 1995, originally supposed to be for the Nintendo 64. The main character went through name changes, the soundtrack went from KMFDM to something less industrial, and the graphics became some of the best I've ever seen on the Xbox 360--especially dating back to 2006. The demo had the first two levels and a bunch of multiplayer levels. The main reason this wasn't released thirteen years ago as opposed to only three years ago was what the game engine needs: variable gravities, portals that Valve would have trouble sinking their teeth into, and reflections in mirrors and the aforementioned portals that reality can barely talk shit to.

The story of the game is thus: you are a prick Cherokee who wants your girlfriend to move away from the reservation. She, along with your traditional Native American grandfather, like being a Cherokee and want to stay. Before you can start arguing too much about whether or not Cherokee beliefs are crap or not, aliens abduct you, kill your grandfather, and you must embrace your Cherokee abilities in stepping outside of your body, coming back to life after death, and following your dead pet hawk's ghost around. The shooting is functional, in the way that enemies fall down when you shoot them. The rest of the gameplay--especially the groundbreaking ones--work really well with environmental puzzles usually involving you needing to flip the gravity in the room, go through a specific portal, or use your out-of-body experiences to walk through otherwise impenetrable forcefields and press a button to turn them off.

The plot of the game definitely keeps you coming back, and is nearly absent of the frustrating segments that make some shooters near unplayable. Your ability to not die is done by every time you do die, you have to shoot some flying things with a bow and arrow to build your life back up, and then you respawn exactly where you were. A good way to avoid frustration while keeping the mid-life spat short and engaging, but, like a hooker on a virgin, it does suck all the challenge out of the game out. The only challenge of the game exists before you get the ability to access the spirit world and come back to life after shooting the Disgraced Ancestor, at least on Cherokee difficulty because the only difference between the two settings is that the harder one doesn't have health pick-ups. The story claiming that we're a species of seed planted by alien races so they could feed seems a bit far-reaching for aliens. There are far easier ways to make food.

The multiplayer is under-played now, and never really set worlds on fire in the first place. The game is much like The Darkness with its slightly innovative ideas (gravity shifting in Prey, imp crazy in The Darkness) still were not beating Gears of War and Halo 3--there were no Prey clans. Forgoing this one tacked one aspect of what fills the title of "the game", it is one of the most under-appreciated gems in the world of first person shooters.

The game received better than average reviews at the time of its release and has gotten several review references in my personal favorite, Zero Punctuation, as a good game. I've bought some titles for only that: nothing, but random random game cases that pop up whenever Yahtzee spouts off the words "good game" (by the way, expect a review of Beyond Good and Evil for the PS2 coming soon). But this game has a super low price tag (as does Beyond Good and Evil--find out if it's worth it, in the future when I finish it and write a review) so it's only a couple of bucks to play a great game.

When I bought an Xbox 360 and my two choice games it cost me, after Target employee discounts and Best Buy Rewards, three hundred dollars. This included the Xbox 360 Pro back when it was $400, Prey when it was priced at $59.99, and Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Limited Edition was priced at $70. I got an awesome deal, even considering I've spent another hundred dollars on a new Elite and another four dollars on rebuying Prey after it became another casualty to the games that got traded in to something even more awesome, as I traded it towards Fallout 3. I was without the game for less than a year, and had to rebuy it--despite its flaws.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Backspaced

Growing up, I thought British television was kind of lame. I didn't understand all the jokes, the accents bugged me (as a pre-teen/teenage watcher of television), and the quality of film always looked about ten years behind anything America was making. Now, of course, I realized how I wrong I was--despite still cringing anytime Absolutely Fabulous is mentioned. From my previous reviews, you know that I at least watch an unhealthy amount of Doctor Who, and presumably Torchwood. Past that, the only mention of British film is Simon Pegg who I will watch nearly anything he's been in. Case and point:

Spaced (1999-2001) was the underappreciated sitcom belonging to Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes, and Edgar Wright--two writer/actors, and a director. To preface, this is the most recent thing I've watched despite it being the thing that gave all of them their names in show business. BBC gave nothing to the show, wishing it would just go away. They had a crappy time-slot, crappy advertising, and even went on hiatus for over a year in between the two seasons of the show. The show didn't even come back until after it became a huge hit and BBC begged them to come back, singing their praises. Spaced deserved praises to begin with. It's a show about two near-strangers looking for a place to live and pretend to be a professional couple so they can get an apartment together to ward off the fight of homelessness. They move in with creepy landlady, sketchy artist, and some friends drop by from time to time. And, oh, there are pop culture references galore, making the show fun for anyone who has watched and enjoyed anything from the 90s.

My roommate says I should leave this review with "Spaced is awesome" and end it, but I like to think I am somewhat more legitimate than that so I have to write a full review. The writing of the show by Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes is done superbly. The pop culture references, the comedy, and--highlight--the impromptu gunfight in season two, among other amazing sequences all make the show unstoppable to watch. Edgar Wright's directing is equally well-done, showing his roots for his films like Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. The series is often shot like a film, and (in an unusual choice for a television show) only uses one camera. Even the electronic soundtrack, which usually bugs the hell out of me, fit really well with the show and the near-constant drug references.

The acting by the Brits is what you would expect from Simon Pegg and his ilk. Pegg plays the perfect comic book/video game nerd (trust me, I know). Hynes plays the over-talkative, naive, a tad unstable crazy chick to a tee. Nick Frost as the gun enthusiast who stole a tank and tried to invade Paris before getting side-tracked in EuroDisney is a stroke of genius by the writers, director, and the actor himself. Mark Heap as the sketchy artist adds so much to the dynamic, especially when Pegg and Frost corrupt him little by little. The landlady played by Julia Deakin adds another creepy vibe, but in a different way. The part of the uppity fashion designer played by Katy Carmichael is actually really irritating, and I'm actually glad her part was relatively small. Otherwise, the cast does nothing but good in the name of comedy.

The season starts perfect and continues on in crescendos and pointless episodes that are still super entertaining. The series finale, on the other hand, seems to be one of the weakest episodes of the series. A third season has been rumored since 2001, even eight years later. I almost hope they don't, only because reviving a show after so long with the same actors--who would all love to regroup--would lose a lot, considering they explained the year-long hiatus...how do you explain one for eight plus? For the DVD portion of the show, my favorite part of it has to be the Homage-o-meter, which works like subtitles, but instead of seeing what they're saying, it tells you what pop-culture reference they're making in every scene. The hefty price tag of the British import DVD is well worth it.

As a side note, if anyone can score me a copy of the god awful pilot for the American version, let me know. I have a morbid curiosity that must be quenched.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

UFC 0b1100100

I don't like sports, but I do love fighting. The Ultimate Fighting Championship is a massive favorite of mine, as one may be able to tell based on the fact I reviewed the demo for the game, the game, and the best live event of 2008 in the side bar was for the UFC pay-per-view with George St. Pierre vs Jon Fitch--which was awesome, save for Brock Lesnar's stupid ass sitting on Heath Herring for a fifteen minutes. But I'm biased against that stupid prick, myself.

UFC 100 was last night as the one hundredth large UFC since it started in the early 90s. The fight card last night was pretty deserving of this centennial event with two title matches, an Ultimate Fighter grudge fight, the long awaited UFC debut of Yoshihiro Akiymaya, and an undercard featuring fighters like Jon Fitch, Stephan Bonnar, Mark Coleman, Mac Danzig, Dong Hyun Kim, and CB Dollaway. I'm only going to review the fights that I saw, being the four main card fights.

First was Yoshihiro Akiymaya vs Alan Belcher. Akiymaya was my pick to win, with his impressive history outside of the UFC and his crazy Judo. That's not to say that I didn't respect Alan Belcher, who has a lot of really impressive fights in the UFC, but he has a really stupid tattoo of Johnny Cash that looks like Muhammad Ali after he ate a whole lot of cake. Akiymaya controlled most of the fight, getting some good take-downs, landing the heaviest shots if not the most. Belcher landed one nasty superman punch by propelling himself off the cage, and good knockdown or two, but mostly cuz he hit Akiymaya while he was off balance and he quickly recovered. Yoshihiro won a split decision which color commentator Joe Rogan said after the announcement, "Belcher just got robbed." I was sitting in a room full of about four people who follow UFC really closely and two or three people who dabbled from time to time, and we all thought that Akiymaya kicked ass and totally deserved to win the fight. The judges chose correctly as far as I could see, and Joe Rogan, Mike Goldberg, and Alan Belcher should all realize that. At least it wasn't Dan "Hendo" Henderson winning the split with Rich "Ace" Franklin, which he absolutely did not deserve.

Speaking of Hendo, the next fight was the Ultimate Fighter coaches' fight. Dan Henderson vs Michael Bisping. As someone who tends to miss the whole show until the day of the finale and watches the season-long marathon, I saw Bisping on the show and he was a prick. I was pretty sure he was a prick before the show too, but I know he's a good fighter. As well as I know how good he is, i also know that Henderson is better. it only took one SICK right hand in the second round for it to be proven. Bisping kept circling to the right, which is not what you want to do if you--for example--want to avoid getting hit with Dan Henderson's meaty right fist.

The next fight was the first championship bout of UFC Welterweight Champion George "Rush" St. Pierre vs Thiago "The Pitbull" Alves. Alves is the this stupid-good muay thai and has beaten legend Matt Hughes with it. GSP did what GSP has been doing since his win against Matt Hughes, if you don't count his BS loss to Matt Serra, and thats run clinics. He makes people feel like they're training as a white belt again--and by people, I mean cyborgs like BJ "The Prodigy" Penn. So Thiago didn't stand much of a chance, but managed to make it all five rounds to lose by unanimous decision.

The last match was the one I was dreading, because if the outcome I wanted didn't happen, I may have killed everyone I was with in a rabid fit of rage. The main event was for the Undisputed Heavyweight Championship Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir, which is also a rematch between the stupid freaking asshole's first loss. You can tell who I'm talking about. So I've been dreading this fight, because if Brock Lesnar didn't get a career-ending injury I would be disappointed. The amount of crap--no, allow me to rephrase--the amount of total fucking bullshit that Lesnar was spewing was insane: "He got lucky", "I gave him that leg lock", "He beat me from his back, how more backwards can you get." Now, as an MMA fan, and I'm sure the rest of you reading this will agree when I exclaim: ARRGHHHHHGABASTARDINTHEARRAGHHAH. Ending fights from his back is exactly what Frank Mir is famous for, and you would know that if you actually deserved to be in the UFC. Frank Mir broke Tim Sylvia's arm in three places and almost broke Lesnar's leg once before. Mir is also a muay thai fighter and can knock an ass out or two, as in that amazing display against Antonia Rodrigo Nogueira. Lesnar still thinks he's getting paid to be a heel like he was in the WWE, and I'm sure even a bit when he was in the Viking's because he SUCKED.

The fight starts, and Lesnar is cautious where Mir is very relaxed. The feel each other out, with Lesnar throwing a weak leg kick early, circling for a few minutes, and then taking down Mir and proceeded to sit on him, hold his wrists, and punch him in the face some. Mir seemed relatively unphased by the whole situation until about half way through mount. The round proceeded as such until the horn, in typical Lesnar-is-boring-as-fuck fashion. The second round starts where Lesnar knocks Mir down, but then lets him back up. They exchange a bit, both kitting some alright shots, and a couple nice knees by Mir. Lesnar's foolproof "I'ma sit on you like an elephant" strategy goes back into effect with Mir almost pulling a recovery off and ends with Lesnar punching him in the face until it breaks, and then beating him in the back of the head nine times before the ref stops--no points deducted for blatently breaking a rule several times or being stood up. The crowd boos, because they know Lesnar sucks and doesn't deserve to be in the UFC. So what does our champion do? Runs around the ring, giving everyone the finger. His post-fight is retarded, saying something about sleeping with his wife and hoping we all hate him. Well, fission mucking accomplished.

That is no way for a champion to act. Furthermore, Lesnar is a slap in the face of everything that mixed martial arts is as sports entertainment. We want to be entertained. We want to have fun. We want to see people with skill achieving their goals. People who are larger, stronger, but still completely inert in talent are not fun to watch. It sucks a whole lot, even. Why see someone sitting down while another person struggles and the ref doesn't stand it up like he should when you could see technique and years of training of moving, trying to get up or get the submission or get the dominant position? I was three and one for my predictions for the night, which is a decent night for me. But Brock Lesnar is a fat-ass punk who doesn't deserve to be in the UFC, and I won't be happy until he's gone. And just because I know you're wondering, yeah, I would say that too his face and then laugh to know that if he's actually stupid enough to hit me, he will lose his entire career for it.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Transfigurmorphs

What's this? This guy on the review page is reviewing something new and happening and hip and it's all out by opening weekend. This is normally a good thing, but I am in a piss-poor mood, so hold onto your stupid little hat, Michael Bay.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the sequel to the 2007 Transformers movie featuring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, and a bunch of robots turning into things. To be straightforward, I loved the first one. I thought the soundtrack was good, the directing was good, the writing was good, the acting was good, and the action was tight. I've had arguments with people as to just how good the first movie is, and I stand by that it is still one of the best movies of 2007. I went to see it several times in theaters and enjoy watching it even now. The second movie is not any of these things. I went to go see it for a friends birthday, and I can honestly say I will almost never watch this again.

Michael Bay directed the first film, and it was really good. So tell me, Mr. Bay, why did you feel it necessary to spin the camera around and around and around and then change direction and make it go around and around to the point that several people in my party nearly got sick? If you were trying to portray chaos in the scenes where the the two new-to-college kids tried to say "I love you" you overshot it as if you were using a goddamn railgun--which I must say, putting that in the movie was pretty much the best thing about it. Plus, the way you shot the giant robot fight sequences was good. Why is it now close-up-shots-of-metal-swinging-around-so-you-can't-tell-what-the-hell-is-going-on until the end where--I get it, it's suspenseful--slow-motion moves are done when they could have been there the whole damn time and made it a whole lot easier to watch.

Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman wrote the first movie, and it was funny, compelling and good. I'm going to guess the addition to the writers, Ehren Kruger suffers from a major brain deformity because the writing was so goddamn bad the only explanation is that they felt sorry for him, and put all his ideas in the script. Hillbilly robots? Are you kidding me? A little sass-mouth Decepticon, a hot girl that's a Decepticon, main characters dying and coming back to life--ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This is all very, very bad of you, sirs.

There isn't a whole lot else to say about the movie. The acting was diminished because of the bad writing. The soundtrack was more or less the same, which isn't abd but it's very lazy--try changing it up a bit. The best line in the film was "He went to find you a tighter shirt." In an action movie. Yeah.

Do not go see this movie unless all you want to see is explosions and you have no taste for actual film. And if you care about me at all, you'll stop Michael Bay from making a third one, which I was told he can't do anyway because he already had a bit where a Decepticon throws an American flag to the ground.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Decreased Resale

I appear to be reviewing old movies, apparently, because I have another one for you. This one is another science fiction-y thing, but with different expectations of it. Early 90s again, but the budget was a bit higher for this one. Some more big names in this one, but nothing like John Leguizamo. So here it is, the latest movie review written two goddamn days in advanced because I have so many of these.

Total Recall (1990) is a science fiction action film with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sharon Stone and even if y0ou haven't seen this movie, you know how it ends even if all you have to base on it is your feeble knowledge of Schwarzenegger movies. The film was based on a Philip K. Dick novel by the name of We Can Remember It For You Wholesale, which was marketed and the title shortened to the easier to remember and say title of Total Recall. Funny story, it was also what was supposed to be Total Recall 2 ended up being the Tom Cruise movie Minority Report.

The movie was filmed by director Paul Verhoeven, who was also the director of RoboCop and Starship Troopers, so he knows his mindless action movies. The writers, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon, Jon Povill, and Gary Goldman had films such as Alien, Star Trek, and Big Trouble in Little China. We'll try and forget that Goldman also wrote Navy SEALS. The team for the film did a great job, especially with the tacky 90s suspense music. Having seen the movies so many times, I still can't figure out whether its comedy is intended, especially the stupid-funny comedies that one of the writers contributed to our society, but it is good all the same.

The movie involves Mars, an oppressive government, and erased memories and Arnold Schwarzenegger rewrites the famous Harrison Ford Telling People He Wants His Family Back to Arny in Arnold Schwarzenegger Telling People He Wants His Memory Back. His acting is about as good as it gets, with actors like Sharon Stone, Ronny Cox, and Michael Ironside chasing and manipulating him all the way. The story of the film is perfect for the actors and their abilities, if not the audience's attention.

Roger Ebert called it one of the most complex and visually interesting films of the time, and he doesn't like anything. The film won an academy award for special effects back when special effects weren't cool enough for most movies. Total Recall is a great movie, if you see Arnold's face and know to expect mindless heart-pumping action. This movie rules, as long as you don't expect anything intelligent (outside of the story, which probably confused most meat-heads of the time) for the next two hours.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Bird song

I haven't done enough music reviews here, and given how much music I listen to and the varied genres I go through, that seems a little odd. So here it goes, a review of the senior thesis of a Carnegie Mellon student.

The Things That Airplanes Do by Anna Vogelzang (2007) is someone I started talking to after I started the first-ever Dresden Dolls fan community online. Her music falls into a sound found somewhere between acoustic/piano and jazz with the themes usually centered around places she's been and the weather there and what she happened to be thinking or observing during those times. I have seen her play everywhere from cafes to churches, and she is goddamn talented. The Things That Airplanes Do is her second studio album after her first, Some Kind of Parade--which I loved--and her two live albums, Basics and Sounds--which I loved. As can be expected, when I found Miss Vogelzang's newest album on iTunes, I was looking to listening to it very much.

The first thing I noticed, from having been listening to her for about four years before the newest album was released, is that she's grown up a lot. Her vocal style is a lot more fluid and works a lot better with the music--not to say that her earlier work was bad, but this album seemed to be a lot more sophisticated. Opening with songs like Hexagon, Pittsburgh, and Philly give it a really, REALLY strong acoustic based open. July starts with a nice piano and then sparks up to a nice jazz beat. Family Band is one of my favorite tracks on the album, with simple vocals, delicate piano, and outstanding writing. The Kitchen has really great music and vocals for the centerpiece of the LP. The rest of the album gets a little weaker and less memorable, but they still give you a great feeling of relaxation and intrigue. This may even be my fault, for never being in the correct setting to really pay attention to the second half of the album, but the writing and music doesn't get weaker, just the attention you give to the songs. It's kind of like when you know what songs on an album you like, and after you know those songs, you just skip through the rest, even though they are also good songs.

Her writing is one of my favorite parts of her music, with songs like Hexagon, Pittsburgh, and especially Family Band. On top of writing the songs and signing, she also plays guitar and piano for her own songs. The other musical parts of the band are back-up players but as I have seen Anna live, I know she can play most any of these songs even without the accompaniment. That, and I can't find out who actually played on the album and I don't want to give credit to the wrong people--but fear not: you're all good at what you do too.

Anna Vogelzang is currently residing in Chicago, and if you ever have the chance to see her perform live I urge you greatly to do so. Her website is theanna.com, so go and check her tour dates. You will not be disappointed.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor