Twenty oh-nine.

2009 had a lot going for it, on a personal level. It marked my hopefully last year of college, when I started seriously dating again, and nobody was dying. Plus, I'm a democrat so Obama in the White House and the upcoming Health Reform Bill has me grinning. My year ended up being significantly more crap than I was initially expecting, but it wasn't all that bad all in all.

It has been unfortunate that I haven't read a single book that was written this year. I love reading, but while finishing my degree I've been reading a lot of older books and even in my private reading I find there are books of years past that I somehow missed. This will all be rectified when I get my Kindle (!) but it doesn't excuse that I have barely any books to review.

The state of movies this year is a big disappointment. I hate Harry Potter and Twilight with a fiery passion that only intense apathy can subdue. The new Transformers movie, as evident in my review of it, was Michael Bay's opus to jock-headed douchebags everywhere. I was let down by UP due to all the hype that surrounded it, and I thought The Hangover (again, as can be read here) was something completely different from the rest of the country. I finally saw Star Trek and Inglourious Basterds after Christmas and loved both of them. The movies I enjoyed were the hits such as District 9 and Star Trek, mostly. I never got a chance to see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, and I see that as a failure on my part. The year was a wreck, as most of the movies I saw were crap, and I didn't see all that many anyway. The Official Dark Portal Reviews Best Movie of 2009 is going to have to be Star Trek.

Star Trek worried me. Being a relatively avid Trekkie, I disliked the idea of a sequel/prequel/reboot of a series of television and film that has been among my top serials of all time. Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman brought a good story to please old and new fans, and J.J. Abrams the directing the film needed to catch the eyes of both groups. Chris Pine came out of nowhere with his fantastic rendition of a youthful James Tiberius Kirk without imitating Shatner at all. Zachary Quinto, dispite my dislike for Heroes, has a decent Spock-ean look about him. I'm fairly certain he's the only Vulcan who could say "Live long and prosper" and have it mean "Screw yourself back to the blackhole." Anton Yelchin's Chekov grated my nerves, but Simon Pegg's Scotty made up for it. John Cho as Sulu warmed my heart, and probably did the same to George Takei. Karl Urban mad to have been channeling DeForest Kelley with every inflection he gave. The whole thing made me excited for the new series of films they're putting together for Gene Roddenberry's creation.

There were lots of video games this year--significantly more than the movies I saw. I used to have a reputation at my video game store of trying all the epically bad games to see just how bad they actually were. I did less of that this year, going for games like inFamous, UFC 2009 Undisputed, Brütal Legend, Borderlands, and The Saboteur bringing freshness to the video game scene, there were a slew of sequels kicking up dust like Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, Left 4 Dead 2, and Assassin's Creed II. The year had a lot of games I thought were really lame as well. MadWorld was cool, but was too short and didn't have enough variety. Tekken 6 had so much to love, but the Mortal Kombat Armaggedon running-action gameplay which takes up most of it just isn't what I want to do when I put a Tekken game on. I think my title of Worst Game of All Time was beaten out with Jurassic: The Hunted surpassing the utter garbage that was Timeshift. The Dark Portal Reviews Best Video Game of 2009 is Borderlands.

Borderlands (PlayStation 3/Xbox 360/PC) was under my radar for a long time, and even when I got the game it sat on my table unopened for days. When I finally put it in, I didn't notice how much time had gone by until I had been playing for five hours. The game is literally what Diablo would have been were it a first-person shooter. The graphics are unique and don't push you away. Gearbox knows how to make shooters, being veterans of the first Half-Life spin-off, Opposing Force. The game can last forever, especially when playing on multiplayer, which only grew in fervor much like the Diablo series. With two DLC packs already, the game is still growing in value as to how much fun you can actually have with your game systems. It's super-challenging at times, and brutally easy the next, but the game is never hard enough to stop playing. The game carries its paper-thin story on graphics, gameplay, and humor that won't quit.

I didn't follow a lot of TV, as I usually wait for things to come out on DVD. The shows I did follow were Burn Notice, House, Doctor Who, Dexter, and Weeds. The shows I've been watching have been enjoyable, with not much bad to say about them. Weeds keeps finding more shit for the Botwins to find themselves in. Burn Notice was only on its sophomore season, and it didn't disappoint. Doctor Who has unfortunately been in short supply, but what did air were some gems of the show. Dexter was amazing with the Trinity story and the finale ended on a very emotional way. Dark Portal Reviews declares the best television series of 2009 is House. Even though it's not completely over, the premier of season six was possibly the single best episode of House I have ever seen and the progression of every character of the show into something different and new.

2009 was an eh year for music. Even with great releases from Weezer and Five Finger Death Punch, Killswitch Engage put out their most disappointing album to date. Lots of other bands I have historically followed had releases, and I'm only noticing that as I go back and look over a list of the year's musical releases on Wikipedia. Such is the cost of not being on the radio anymore. The Dark Portal Reviews Best Album of 2009 is--hands down--Raditude by Weezer.

Now that we've made it ten years into this new millennium, I think it's safe to say we're pretty much all screwed.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

The game ends with credits

I got a Nintendo DS Lite. This is surprising, even for me, considering the last handheld video game system I owned was a Pikachu edition GameBoy Color that I still use when I am crazy bored. But now I have a DS, and now a whole slew of games I never had access to has opened itself to me.

The World Ends with You (2008) is an action role-playing game from RPG gurus, Square Enix. Square Enix as a company gets more fans jerking off at their games than Atlus, and as a GameStop employee I can tell how mind-boggling that is. As a rule, I am always hesitant to play a JRPG if only because I don't have the goddamn time to sit through them, anime graphics annoy the every-loving crap out of me, and after living with transgendered people in college I no longer enjoy making them hit monsters with giant swords. Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy X, EarthBound, and Super Mario RPG will always be fantastic games that I can always go back and play but the newer incarnations--even the Persona series which has amazing gameplay by chibi graphics that make me want to rip my eyes out--can rarely catch my attention. I picked up this shiny little title because, as I remember working the games release, it seemed different and somewhat cooler than the crappy console RPGs like Infinite Undiscovery that were out at the time. The World Ends with You ended up on my short list of games to try for the DS.

The game takes place in an alternate version Shibuya district of Tokyo that brings you, Neku Sakuraba, into a game designed to erase faces. You go through different games, because each time the designers of this game are dicking you over. I can't give a whole lot more away without ruining the whole thing, but that's the fun of role-playing games.

The story aside, the gameplay is kind of a lot of fun. You drag your character from one long dialogue-heavy cut scene to the next, but the part that's fun is the battle system. You are forced to fight the same battle on the top and bottom screens, using various touch commands on the touch screen and pounding the D-pad for the top. As you progress through the game, you collect pins and have to pay attention to what brand of clothing will get you better or worse stats in different neighborhoods but I didn't buy the strategy guide so I pretty much just ignored it. The pins are what give you the different attacks, and you can sort them in ways that make the most sense, battle-wise. The Tin Pin Slam mini-game is a colossal pain in my ass, but that's my opinion of most mini-games.

As being among the first DS games to really grab my attention, I am enjoying it thoroughly. I had originally thought the DS would be a goof to me, something I pulled out when I was bored at lunch or waiting around for something trivial. I find myself reaching for it when I have a PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, and Nintendo Wii within my grasp. The role-playing games for the DS--The World Ends with You in particular--bring a lot to the little handheld. I do still love throwing in Little Red Riding Hood's Zombie BBQ to kill a few minutes, though. My next venture should be to procure a PSP, I believe.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Rad rats dude

My pick for best album of 2008 was a hard one, coming down between Weezer's Red Album and Amanda Palmer's debut solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer. The latter ended up with the claim of the year, but Weezer is still just so good. I seemed to forget that, because this year's release didn't really interest me until I forced myself to listen to it.

Raditude by Weezer (2009) is the follow-up to The Red Album and, while not as good, delivers everything Weezer always has brought to the musical scene. Weezer is weird for me and many friends like me that they are nothing that would fall into our favorite music genres but they somehow make it onto our list of favorites anyhow. In fact, someone I work with claimed to not like them at all only to get picked up by the first single off this latest album on the ride home and has come to love them. I seem to be saying this a lot, as I think I've made it close enough to the end to make assumptions, but this may be the best album of the year.

To give blanket statements, the writing on the record is up to River Cuomo's standard of writing with very few exceptions which I feel are present on every Weezer album, the guitar work isn't as memorable as Hash Pipe days but it gets the job done, and the album is really a joy to listen to. Songs like (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To, I'm Your Daddy, Trippin' Down the Freeway, and Let It All Hang Out are great songs, written with Weezer's typical wit and charm. After seven albums, they still manage to experiment with songs like Can't Stop Partying (a bass-ridden party beat featuring Lil Wayne) and Love is the Answer (a song laced with Hindi language and vocals), which are really well done for such a bold attempt. Put Me Back Together and I Don't Want to Let You Go are perfectly listenable, but don't necessarily bring anything special to the album. The two songs I skip over are The Girl Got Hot and Patrick Wilson's In the Mall. The writing on both the songs are just subpar for what Weezer is capable of.

The deluxe edition that I bought has four bonus tracks which I feel are good enough to have been on the album proper. Get Me Some is almost a hard rock party song, where Run Over By A Truck is like classic Weezer. The Prettiest Girl In The Whole Wide World reminds me a lot of The Greatest Man That Ever Lived from the Red Album and I really appreciate the lyrical work put into it. The Underdogs is really just a fantastic ending for the album, giving the whole experience an over-all feel.

What really sucks is the reason I started listening to the album is because I had gotten Weezer tickets for my girlfriend, the show being last night, and Rivers Cuomo's bus spun out on black ice and ended with his family needing to be dug out of the car using the jaws of life. Rivers has broken ribs, but the rest of the Cuomo's are thankfully unharmed. My best wishes to the Cuomo family, but I hate winter disappears and never comes back. If they reschedule, I will be among the first to get replacement tickets.

Expect some end of the year lists coming out over the next few Saturdays.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

The Big Reviewski

Way back in the nineties there was this movie I wanna tell ya about. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But then again, maybe that's why I found it so darned interestin'. 'Course I ain't never been to London, and I ain't never seen France. And I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what--after seeing this movie, and writing this here review I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd seen in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. Now this here review I'm about to unfold is about a movie took place in the early '90s--just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there's a movie...I won't say a classic, 'cause, what's a classic? Sometimes, there's a movie. Sometimes, there's a movie, well, it's the movie for its time and place. It fits right in there. And even if it's a crazy movie--and it was most certainly that. Quite possibly the craziest in all of nineties comedies, which would place it high in the runnin' for craziest of all time. Sometimes there's a movie, sometimes, there's a movie. Well, I lost my train of thought here. But...aw, hell. I've done introduced it enough.

The Big Lebowski (1998) is the movie for the nineties, but you should seriously have realized that by now. Even being the film buff I am now, there are some classic movies that I have simply not had the opportunity to see. The Big Lebowski formerly among them, this list also includes Citizen Kane, all the Godfather movies, any of the Rocky movies, or any of the Nightmare on Elm Street films being doubly surprising to my love for horror. I simply never had to opportunity to see any of these films and only kind of passively desire to do so. Someday, when I own every DVD I want this will all be solved. Some films that will be on that list include all of Sam Raimi's horror films, and everything the Coen brothers have done.

The Big Lebowski is a film by the Coen brothers based on someone they actually encountered. Although the events in the movie are all based on "What if this happened to our friend?" and then wrote out the scenario, it is still boggling to wrap my head around that. The film is narrated through Sam Elliott drawl. It stars the likes of Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, and Steve Buscemi. Written and directed by Ethan and Joel Coen, they employed Carter Burwell (score for In Bruges and Where the Wild Things Are to his credit) for the music. The team behind this film is pretty genius, and the movie shapes up to live up to it.

The movie, if you haven't seen it, is about the Dude who shares a name with a rich-as-hell gentleman with no legs. This leads to a mix up that ends with the Duder's rug being peed on. This leads to a screwball comedy the likes of Dude, Where's My Car or The Hangover, but pulls it off better than both--perhaps because it was here first. The character Jeff Bridges portrays as the Dude is brilliant, being a stoner with a love for White Russians, Creedence Clearwater Revival, and bowling but is still smart enough to unravel this retardedly complex scheme that pretty much ends with him being screwed over and then comes out on top of it with the help of his psychotic friends.

The writing needed in order to achieve that in a something you need or your movie is going to fail, and has to have an ending worth all of it. The Coen brothers did everything they could with the story, with directing to match the sky-high spirit of the film. T-Bone Burnett, the person responsible for the songs chosen for the soundtrack of the film, made the perfect movie choices; they went perfectly with the Coen's directing and matched the mood and you know what--I hate the Eagles too.

The Big Lebowski is a movie that you should see if you haven't already. Sure, you may think The Hangover was better and that's okay--you have the right to think that. It just doesn't make you any more wrong, if only because the Dude actually exists somewhere. The Coen brother's use their powers of writing and directing to make a purely enjoyable movie, and this movie is probably their best comedy. To those offended, I pledge to see The Godfather soon. I will probably not review it.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Paging The Doctor to the Red Planet

Seven long months have gone by since I have seen a new Doctor Who episode. This is unacceptable. Finally the new episode comes, and I know nothing about it. I avoid Doctor Who spoilers like the plague, because I want to feel the excitement of watching the story unfold without any expectations or knowledge of where the story is going, save for what they show in the "Next time..." trailers at the end of the episodes. I waited and waited, as did others, but I believe I may be the first among my group of friends to see what has been the third episode of Doctor Who since Christmas of 2008.

The Waters of Mars brought a lot to the table for The Doctor as a character, and the writers of the program. It being the first thing Russell T Davies has done since the Torchwood miniseries over the summer, which showed a lot of talent in its own right. I was looking forward to something tense and gripping just like Children of Earth was. The Waters of Mars delivered what I wanted from it--mostly.

The story goes as The Doctor lands on Mars, he comes to arrive at the knowledge that he landed on a very important date--like Volcano Day. He's forced to walk away, in one of the best directed Doctor Who scenes I have ever seen by the way of Graeme Harper, the longest serving member of the Doctor Who crew, having started directing for the series in 1963. He is overcome by a wave of what can only be called arrogance, and becomes a Doctor I'm not quite comfortable with, at least not as played by David Tennant. The episode ends and the Time Lord has returned to his original philosophy, but he goes through a amazing build to this point of view that really doesn't feel right to the character at all. Usually, when the series does something that doesn't quite make sense it all comes together in an amazing crescendo at the end, which I am definitely looking forward to.

The directing, as already said, is some of the best I have seen of any of the series. Russell T. Davies' writing also lived up to my expectations. The story was well-done, especially bringing up what's happened in previous specials, the growth of the character, and leading into David Tennant's last episodes as The Doctor with fervor. It may have been one of Tennant's best performances in the series, and the ensemble of Lindsay Duncan and company matches the best of any of his companions, especially with the part of Adelaide Brooke.

Luckily, the next two episodes are airing within a month and a half. Doctor Who is an amazing accomplishment in television, and the new series continues to live up to its traditions. The special episodes, tracking The Doctor's final journey's without companions are still lacking in the way that they are not a proper season, only airing five stories with anywhere from one to seven months between them. Once the specials are done, I'll stop reviewing each Doctor Who episode.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

CoD fOr ToO

Where EA used to be the company that would only publish the same crap every year and screw the consumer and comedy outlets out of fun and money, Activision has very clearly taken its place while Electronic Arts continues to lighten up and come out with some really good games and deals. I really dislike giving Activision money by buying their games and have literally waited to buy them used just to avoid giving CEO Robert Kotick another dime. Kotick, if you didn't know, tried to get EA to not publish Brütal Legend by suing, claiming that they still had rights to it--which Activision obviously did not. Kotick said, when asked about the high prices of bundles such as Guitar Hero, DJ Hero, and Tony Hawk: Ride, "If it were up to me, I'd raise the prices even further." He has openly said that his mission is to take the fun out of video games. I just have a problem supporting another asshole, despite the quality of the product. However, I made an exception for this game.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Xbox 360/PlayStation 3) is just about the biggest game release ever. Going back to Infinity Ward, the original makers of Call of Duty, the series has been made by another company called Treyarch who made Call of Duty 3 and Call of Duty: World At War. Their games are nowhere near as good as Infinity Ward's, but Activision loves making money on people who don't know any better. CoD4:2 had an obvious amount of hype surrounding it, which was realistically all deserved.

The single-player campaign is as short as you have heard: about six hours on normal difficulty. This is not a bad thing. It has some epically intense moments, including the ridiculously stressful and awesome crescendo of the game. The landmarks of the game do include some pretty grotesque scenes, including the "terrorist level" that you have to kill an airport full of civilians, but those traumatized by certain events do have the option of skipping out of them. The story of Infinity Ward's games have always been spectacular, but I feel like they pushed it a bit far in this one. It was just on the other side of realistic, where there stories have always had to do with World War II history in the past or with Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare it was a super-realistic look at the world's battle against terrorism. Modern Warfare 2 has set-pieces that make your jaw drop to the floor, but when everything comes together it seems less genuine than some of their other storylines. The campaign mode, still, has a lot of replay value--especially on the higher difficulties.

Infinity Ward's answer to Activision putting zombie levels in Saint's Row 2 and Call of Duty: World at War was the new Special Ops mode, which is twenty-three co-op or single-player missions using set-pieces from the Modern Warfare games. Each mission has a possibility of three-star ranks, depending on the difficulty level or how well you do in the mission. Unlocking stars unlocks new Special Ops missions and it's like that. It's actually a very fun mode to just poke around with, and the story is just as simple as "Complete objective" which is usually "Kill people and run your stupid ass to the end."

The multiplayer is new and improved, but I unfortunately have very little to say about it. I don't play a lot of multiplayer, but from those that I've heard from it's amazing Xbox Live didn't crash after all the people swarming online to play it. The killstreaks are easier and they've added a new deathstreak feature, where you can get perks from dying a certain number of times so you can recover from utter defeat if you know how. Most people bought the game for this function, but if you did then you already know that Call of Duty multiplayer has always been some of the best and you already know that you'll like it.

The soundtrack was done by Hans Zimmer. For those who are unfamiliar: Pirates of the Caribbean, The Dark Knight, The Last Samurai, Gladiator, do I need to go on? Saying this soundtrack is epic doesn't do it justice. The score forces you to play the game--it drives you through the blood-spattered screen. It is among the most impressive music in an action game and I really can't stress that enough.

Despite Activision's constant douchebaggery, the game is worth every penny. Between single-player story that blows the mind, Special Op co-op missions, and multiplayer, this game is good for every gaming mood you happen to be in--unless you want something less shooty and something more stabby or role-playing-y. As was a possibility, this may have beaten Brütal Legend as far as my game of the year goes. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 builds on the perfection that Infinity Ward made with first-person shooters with the first Modern Warfare. The game is win. Don't let it get away.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor

Hithchiker's Guide to the Apocalypse

The new update schedule is going to go something like this: music reviews will be posted on Tuesdays; video game reviews will be posted on Wednesdays; movie reviews will be posted on Fridays; and UFC, concerts, live events, other random things I just want to review will be posted on Saturday. Reviews will be posted at noon on each of the days. They will not be posted every day or every week, but it is a loose schedule of each type of review. This just saves the worry of me getting clogged up with work and there not being any posts for two months like last time.

For veteran readers, it is already known that I am an enjoyer of horror movies. What you may not know because I don't remember if I mentioned it is that I particularly enjoy zombie-themed horror. Oddly enough, however, I prefer Silent Hill to Resident Evil and I hated the second and third movies. This zombie movie may be one of the better movies I've seen produced in 2009, but that may be because everything else I've seen besides District 9 has been complete garbage. This, like Brütal Legend for video games, may be my movie of the year.

Zombieland (2009) is the highest grossing zombie film in history. Hot damn. It has Woody Harrelson, who is pure badass; it has a Jesse Eisenberg who's trying to be an age-appropriate Michael Cera; Abigail Breslin, who was cuter than hell in Little Miss Sunshine, is a little badass herself; and then someone named Emma Stone whose work I'm not altogether familiar with. It's written by a guy who did stuff for Spike TV and then comedies for MTV. It was directed by a guy who has literally done nothing before hand. It could have been a disaster, or it could be the highest grossing zombie film in history.

This film has the ultimate winning combination of dry humor, over-the-top humor, sage-like advice, depressing moments, pure badass, and naive cuteness along with the writing of someone who apparently know how all of these get put together and a director who knows how to make it look absolutely amazing on screen. The shaky-cam directing really works for Zombieland, and the writing explains the epic zombie incursion by way of sketchy hamburger. Realistic? Maybe. I know a guy who went blind from eating a bad burger--no joke. Funny? Pretty much, yeah. Innocuous dangers are always amusing. Scary? You bet your ass. I like hamburgers. This is about as close as you're going to get for a Left 4 Dead movie you're ever going to get.

Acting, again, is perfect for every mood of the film. The cast, plus the unbelievable cameos, all rock the hell out of this movie. Even after the film, Woody Harrelson attacked a guy in an airport saying he was still in character and thought it was a zombie. Or he was just high. He likes hanging out on the cover of High Times, or so I hear. Badass. Or stoned. Whatever. Mr. BM (not spoiling a cameo, not matter what) does what he does best and amazes the hell out of comedy-watching audiences. Jesse Eisenberg really is a poor man's Michael Cera, but he does a good job with it. Abigail Breslin rocks the part of angry twelve-year-old with a gun, but I found the acting of Emma Stone as her "sister" is a little weak--but not weak enough to draw away from the qualities of this movie.

The movie could have been a summer blockbuster, but the reasons for the October release is obvious, what with Halloween and all. Absolutely worth seeing in theaters, buying it on Blu-ray, and seeing the musical if they ever make one. Unless something dethrones it, I foresee this as my movie of the year. After seeing this movie, you will learn who you gonna call.

-Evan "Dez" O'Connor